Louisiana Politics – No Bribe too Big, No Hooker too Small

Despite his checkered past of infidelities and indiscretions involving hookers who no doubt have hearts of gold, U.S. Senator David Vitter (R-La.) has announced he will run for Governor of Louisiana. Trading in his fifth floor office in the Hart Building for the esteemed Baton Rouge Governor’s mansion may not be the impossible task it once seemed. Yes he was pigeon-holed by two madams as having a bizarre fetish involving diapers and a penchant for expensive prostitutes, and maybe in your ivory tower that would be a red flag, but in Louisiana, the hot-bed of mixed up politicians and questionable morals, it’s barely a blip on his record.

Ahh Louisiana, home of the po’ boy, Mardi Gras, LSU, the most talented jazz musicians in history, vampires, Brad Pitt, and the highest rate of public corruption convictions of government officials in the last decade in the nation.

Vitter has some great role models to look to in his bid for the Governorship. Sure he could look to the venerable Governor Huey Long, famous Louisiana politician noted for his passion for wealth sharing and equal rights. He could look to Moon Landrieu, father of his colleague Senator Mary Landrieu, and widely revered mayor of New Orleans throughout the 70s.

Or he could model himself after the comic stylings of Governor Edwin Edwards, fresh from his release after close to a decade in the federal penitentiary for racketeering charges.  Edwards now spends his days quietly married to his third wife Trina, 50 years his junior, and staring in an A&E reality show. One of my most favorite Louisiana politicians, Edwards recently wed his bride (who he originally met while he was in jail and she wrote to him) in a quiet ceremony in which he charged attendees for his signature on a poster of him and his new bride. Despite all this, Edwards won four terms as governor when no other governor has won more than two.

Then of course there is former Congressman William Jefferson, who was re-elected to his position in 2006, despite just a few months earlier the FBI raiding his congressional office on suspicion of bribery. It should be noted that Rep. Jefferson (known as “Dollar Bill’ for stashing $90,000 in cash in his freezer) was later found guilty of such charges (amongst others) and sentenced to 13 years of jail.

So perhaps a few late nights wearing a diaper and being degraded by a hired prostitute could actually help Vitter win the election in Louisiana, at the very least I can’t say it’d hurt.

Furloughing the Wonk

 

Washington DC is abuzz with debates on continuing resolutions, budget introductions, appropriation riders, SEQUESTRATION, horse-meat inspectors, and the like. But for the life of me I can’t understand why no one is discussing the real areas that need to be cut. We  don’t need to increase headaches at the airports by furloughing air traffic controllers, we don’t need to cut entitlement spending or institute a carbon tax. What we really need to do is generate a huge overhaul of the public’s  (fly-over state’s) perception of Washington DC.

 

We probably need to start by not referring to the public as fly-over state’s, although that is against my will. And the second thing we need to do is give this term “wonk” a permanent furlough! When people in DC refer to themselves as a “policy wonk” it’s like when that douche bag in the wire framed glasses sitting next to you at a wedding remarks on how perfectly the scallops are cooked. Relax, bro, you already work in DC, you don’t need to convince anyone but yourself that you understand politics. Also NO ONE understands politics, that’s the point.

So what exactly are you trying to say by calling yourself a wonk? That you are actually interested in the topic of your job? Well you don’t hear marine biologists saying they are “dolphin wonks” or professional athlete’s saying they are  “steroid wonks” or Hugh Grant saying he’s a “hooker wonk” and so on and so forth. So to all you wonkers out there stand with me and retire this terrible, possibly racist I haven’t look into it yet, term that is not even aesthetically pleasing and just makes you look like a real jackass. In this time of need for Washington DC to look like it actually cares about anyone besides themselves (and of course those from the birthplace of modern democracy, Massachusetts) we should probably just exile all the wonks to Elba Island, or Canada.

Buzzfeed says:

Washington, DC is the worst in a storm.

I BEG TO DIFFER.

WHY?? because I’m not at work and those Buzzfeed people are.

I don’t want to get political BUTT

Bob “woodie” Woodward: hero of the Nixon years, drunk uncle of the Obama years

Bob Woodward invented Watergate (its family friendly as long as you don’t call Richard Nixon, “Dick”) its a hotel, but more importantly its a movement.  It says NO PRESIDENT you don’t have that power, because George Washington chopped down the cherry tree and he never lied and we expect our presidents to follow that truth (although honestly if you get stuck in a bathtub, you can keep that from us, WILLIAM).

MOVING ON. Woodie investigated himself into journalism heroin ahem heroism. He called out them cheating repubs and forced us to watch Frost/Nixon. But seriously he and his bro Bernstein (not to be confused with these babes ) killed it for America in the 70s and allowed a Ford to be President (model-t!!).

But these days, is he crazy or is he yearning for the olden days? He gets mad when the Obama administration says “please” and makes that weirdo from NBC with a goatee say “he’s making himself news,” (Woodie: you know I hate it when you make me agree with NBC goatee!)

Woodie: take a note from Bernsteins notebook, lay low.. hit your peak and go out while you are still on top.  Don’t make bitches pity your present.  Cause if you were gonna have a problem with a president since DICK- there were soo many to choose from: Reagan’s denim on denim!! Bush1 ending communism!! Clinton on the saxophone!!

But honestly, where eff were you when Rumsfeld decided to go into Iraq??

Where were you when Cheney elected himself VP??

Boo. We all appreciate your heroin ….heroism.. we do.  But word to the should be wise don’t make the fact staffers think your a dick (Nixon?) a thing..

Malbec Mafia Part 1*

*anticipating many MM posts

This is a quick one.  More or less malbec is great but just weird enough that you can send a bottle of it to a table of people you don’t know and its hilarious.  (laughing works the abs people)

An Ode to Beanies

I recently decided to get bangs. It went like this: First my co-bloggers boyfriend decided to start a website called “Childbangs.com”, which would be a series of pictures of children with bangs, so I called the police.

Then I started thinking about bangs, well mostly about Michelle Obama and THEN bangs. For better or for worse I think I’m into bangs, they’re fresh, they make your nose look huge (accenting my most feature about myself: my Greek-ness), they immediately throw white house press corps into a frenzy… However, after consulting with my co-blogger and hearing the negatives of bangs, you know – they are there and you have to style them. Woah – my mind exploded. DO my hair?! SHOWER?! I’m out.

As I was struggling with my inner demons, “will I” “ won’t I” “does anyone give a fuck” “do I even care!?” “is it Taco Tuesday!?”, a sparkle of knitted blue flashed in my peripheral. At this point I should note that I have amazing peripheral vision, at one point it was so good the government recruited me to lead the Air Force – (one of these statements is not true).  A wonderful navy blue knitted cap looked back at me, and like Pa in his Cap on Christmas Eve, I threw it on and Santa came, wait let me rephrase…. I felt great. Even if I had terrible bangs the cap would make it all ok! Hail Beanies!

 

I only realized half way through this post how ridiculous it sounded, but as I am on my second snow-rita and I leave no soldier behind, I have to finish this. So after my bang/beanie-piphany, I immediately went on the AlGorewebz and purchased two more beanies, one neon green, one a demure gray (for, you know, if the Queen comes for tea or something.)

I feel like I should preface this by saying that I am in no way a hipster, I hate hipsters, I hate how they hate hipsters, I hate that that sentence inherently makes me a hipster, and so on and so forth and I do NOT wear beanies ironically. I wear them because despite my good job and money saving skills I’m extremely cheap and will not turn my heat on, and beanies keep a girl in the warmth to which she has grown accustomed. Also because one time I read an article about how neon beanies are in, and as I am constantly striving to prove to people I am “ literate” I felt I needed to heed it. The article also may have been about how neo-nazis were found in a beanery…

 

Anyway, the point of this post is to give the common working man beanie the respect it deserves, as we all know it was originally invented to keep people warm and to keep white girls from their bang demons. In conclusion don’t visit www.childbangs.com.

An Ode to the Shoe Drawer

Fun Fact: My mom is from “the south” (Greensboro, North Carolina) and she says things like “ta-ger” (not “tiger”)–this is why I believe I thought drawer was spelled and pronounced “drore” (similarly, I still spell “straw” like “strawl”).  I blame my mom for many things, including my phonological dyslexia (so I can’t read out-loud?! wanna fight?), but that’s not what this post is about.

Instead, I am here to talk about one of the greatest things that ever happened to a 20-something career-woman.  The shoe drawer!  If you are unaware about this most amazing function of the desk, then listen up baby!

So you know how you have this desk with all these “droers” (drawers)? But you don’t put anything in most of them.  Yeah, you keep a spoon, a fork, and some paper clips in the top one, but nothing else in any of the others? (It might be because the person who had the desk before you was gross and left all these suspicious crumbs, but its most likely because you don’t have anything to put in them!)

Here someone should’ve inserted that Zoolander clip, where Derek and Hans dress up in black and mexican* face to pretend to be janitors (INSERT COMMENTARY ON OUR RACIST SOCIETY) and then they think that there are actual files in the mac computer.

Right! But no one has physical files anymore- they keep them all in their mac computers— so then you have so much space in your desk, what to do?? And Show Drawer is your answer.  EFF NO do I want to wear heels to the office, but I do want to catch the eye of my rich, older man boss, so I keep my heels in the office.  In particularly in my shoe drawer.

You got brown on? I got some heels that match in my shoe drawer!

You wearing black? I got that too!

Its summer? I got them sandal wedges!

And thats the shoe drawer.  And I love it.

*is that a thing?

Something has been bothering me…

And no its not that my face is going to be forever linked with this offensive blog* (**)  Nay, it is something I just don’t understand– its a classic example of stupid America and of fake hos and possibly the Illuminati: and it makes me mad. I will show you the scenario:

a 25-year-old: Welp just turned 25.  I feel so old!

another person, who is not 25: at least you can rent a car!!

There are many problems here. First of all, as long as you have a driver’s license you can rent a car.  Yes, it may be more expensive but, you can do it.  Secondly and more importantly, is renting a car something fantastic? Is there something I am missing here?  Am I the only person ever who is just not enthused by the fact of paying for an already driven car that most likely 12 hours before had a tranny hooker giving Hugh Grant a blowie?

Okay you’ve got me, I’ve never personally rented a car, although I have waited in those god forsaken lines at the airport with my parents and seen how much they pay to use a crappy minivan for two days and it doesn’t seem that great.  I will bet my life and my blogging-partner’s life*** on the fact that is it no where near as exciting as being able drink, LEGALLY.  Also there is no way in hell-o that renting a car is as great as that time that you get are able to DRIVE A CAR. ****

Please comment and help me decide whether I am crazy or not.

This Hertz!

*Thats how the internet works, right?

**That does actually bother me

***not worth that much

****Blogging partner would like to note that “there is no way renting a car feels as good as stealing cars”*****

*****I think she is kidding, but I will not ask

…then read our blog…

…unless you are friends with us because this blog is probably rude and about things you do that annoy us. It’s March 6th, a snow day in Washington DC without any snow, one of the top reasons to live in a city full of excess wealth and fat cats, literally though someone needs to check on these cats, these cats are obese. So, we decided to start a blog, but first we got a drink. We called it a snow-garita, it consisted of tequila, ice shaved from a frozen Poland Spring bottle found in the back of the freezer, sugar and fake key lime juice. If you are wondering it is delicious, and is served ironically in mason jars. Do not steal this recipe, trade mark pending. The following years of your life reading this blog will be overfilled with the following topics.

A list:

margaritas

snow-garitas

-garitas

horsemeat

funny things we did that only we find funny and if you dont laugh fuck off

headwear

the working man….just kidding

a modern day woman

pro-lifers (pregnant people)

Cesar salads

shaved ice

chocolate milk/travel mugs

EuroTrip -both the movie and situations in which we tried to pay with the euro

our screenplay  (this is not it)

immigration reform/Mexican food – in which we juxtapose the sluggish efforts of our Congressmen and the toiling efforts of kitchen hands across America.

America.

Female members of Congress who have not been shot in the head

The Dead Face/Malbec Mouth

Female members of Congress who have been shot in the head

Commentary on poignant Taylor Swift lyrics

if any of these topics disgust you please keep reading, note that they also offend us. Just kidding nothing offends us, except sometimes grown men listening to music on Ipods. and those stupid toe shoes.

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